Sophie Watson, 13.04.2017

The 10 things you learn after ending a relationship with a narcissist

True narcissists have a need to control people and situations, combined with a lack of empathy. This means a relationship with a narcissist can be at once manipulatively seductive and emotionally draining. It's no picnic. But once you see through their facade, you can move on – and even end up stronger and wiser for the experience.

Everyone has moments of narcissism now and then, and they're not always a bad thing: having self-confidence can help you enjoy professional success, for instance. But, when that narcissism turns extreme, it can lead to very unhealthy, codependent relationship behaviours.

The first step in getting over a relationship with a genuine narcissist is to realize that they have a personality disorder that leaves them incapable of being a supportive partner.1 The second is to understand that this isn’t your problem to fix. Not only that, you can’t fix it: putting up with their tantrums, manipulations, and emotional unavailability only indulges them. This is an issue that needs professional help, and fixing it is the narcissist’s hill to climb.

Your job is to heal, move on, and, when you’re ready, find the healthy relationship you're worthy of. And, in a weird way, this is where dating a narcissist can help. By showing you what you shouldn't be putting up with, a relationship with a narcissist can teach you what it is you really want, need, and deserve from love:

10 things you learn after dating a narcissist

1. You learn to see past empty flattery

Narcissists can be absurdly flattering, making grand gestures right from the start. The thing is, it's not because they want you to be happy but rather because they want you to adore them.2 They’d promise you the moon if they thought it would make you admire them – but it’s not something they can deliver. Dating a narcissist wises you up to this empty flattery, meaning you’ll only believe kind words that are followed through with kind actions and kept promises.  

2. You appreciate the slow ride over the fast track

Another intoxicating part of a relationship with a narcissist is how quickly they profess love-at-first-sight adoration. Being wanted feels great so it's easy to be swept along, but you soon learn that a narcissist’s attention is easily lost, often due to something innocuous like you voicing alternate opinions to theirs.3 It makes you see how insubstantial this lightning-fast love really is, and you'll find new appreciation for more slow-and-steady, solidly-built affection.

3. You value people who can admit when they are wrong

Many true narcissists cannot stand to be wrong. Rather than accept fault, they lay it at the feet of others; blaming everyone from their parents to their partner for their own poor behaviour.4 If there’s one thing dating a narcissist teaches you, it’s that this infuriating, childish tactic isn’t healthy for any relationship: there’s much more room for mutual growth and happiness when you date someone who has the maturity to admit (and fix) their own mistakes.

4. You rediscover the importance of a life outside your relationship

Narcissists are the hothouse flowers of the dating world; beautiful, showy, and always in need of attention. They use tactics like guilt-tripping to keep this attention and stop those they date from having their own hobbies and friends.5 After you’ve moved on from them, however, you rediscover just how necessary it is to fulfill your own needs too, and you see the value of those who encourage you to be a happy, well-rounded partner rather than a one-track devotee.  

5. You find new appreciation for vulnerability

For a classic narcissist, emotional vulnerability is akin to weakness, meaning that they suppress it in themselves and make their partners feel needy for not doing the same.6 Yet, dating a narcissist shows you that this sort of thinking is a roadblock for relationship progression: if you can’t be vulnerable with someone (and accept their vulnerabilities in turn), you can never achieve emotional intimacy and the trust, love, and security that come with it.

6. You understand that you can’t please everyone

It is very hard to please a narcissist. They feel that they deserve perfection, and demand it from their partners, not showing pleasure unless things are done the right way – which, of course, is their way.7 Here’s what you learn, though: if you can never reach their impossibly high standards, why try? Why not please yourself instead? And, if that feels good, then why not reject the one who only wants an ego-prop and find a partner who likes your version of you?

7. You teach yourself how to set firm boundaries

If you date a narcissist, you find that they try and shape people to make themselves look better. For instance, narcissists who think that their partner’s looks reflect their own dating success will show annoyance if that partner dresses in a way the narcissist doesn't approve of. Moving on from this means becoming aware of how their tactics can push you where you don't want to be and so you become vigilant about setting (and sticking to) your boundaries.8

8. You look for a partner who wants you to be successful too

Narcissists might like the high-status of having a successful partner – but only as long as you keep your hands off their spotlight. If you start to eclipse it, you’ll soon be subject to putdowns and doubt; anything to stop you becoming better than them.9 Breaking free opens your eyes to how much this attitude was holding you back, and you learn to look for a partner who not only won’t be threatened by your successes, they’ll encourage you to aim even higher.

9. You know that the relationship wasn’t due to your weaknesses

They’re egotistic and controlling. If you’ve never had a relationship with a narcissist, you may wonder, just why would you date one in the first place? But if you've been there and moved on, you know that it’s easy to get hooked: narcissists are master manipulators, whose false charm is artfully designed to strike right where it will be the most effective. You also discover that falling for one doesn’t make you weak – in fact it wasn’t your weaknesses that they exploited, but rather your strengths: the kindness and compassion that make you a wonderful partner.10

10. You end up stronger than ever

Loving a narcissist is hard. Moving on and rediscovering yourself is even harder. But, in that process you get to find out just how strong you are. You learn that you weren’t a fool for being sucked in. You learn that even the smartest, kindest people are susceptible to a narcissist’s charming lies. Most of all, you learn that one bad relationship doesn’t doom you forever; in fact it teaches you how to spot the most subtle red flags and instead seek the mutually beneficial, supportive love that you really do deserve. And that’s a lesson worth learning.

EliteSingles editorial, April 2017.

If you want insights about being in a relationship with a narcissist, then please get in touch: you can leave a comment below or email us at editorial@elitesingles.ca

Comments

Thank you so much for this - I realised in my gut (and due to all the tantrums, manipulation, his feelings of superiority and self obsession) that I was not in a healthy relationship with my ex-boyfriend and I needed to get out, but since reading about narcissm I have been blown away as I realise just what he was. I am a loving person but also strong (strong enough to get out of there, which was hard due to all the anger and aggression it caused when things didn't go his way) but I have been beating myself up a bit asking how and why I got involved with someone like this. This article has been a really positive thing to read and helped me to treat this as something I can learn from so that I won't do that again and can go and live and love fearlessly. Thank you! X

CloNo, feedback like this is so appreciated. Thank you so much for opening up. We wish you all the best in finding the loving, supportive relationship that you deserve - happily, it seems like you have the right mindset to attract someone truly fantastic! - The EliteSingles editorial team

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